Can I has pleeze?

g-speak overview 1828121108 from john underkoffler on Vimeo.

We are the Universe

The Swedish Chef Returns and why Soccor sucks

I finally got a job about 2 weeks ago. I start on the 10th and will be the new cold kitchen manager of the Mötesplats restarant inside the Clinical research center of the Malmo Hospital complex. The best part is that, unlike 99% of the chefs of the world, I will have nights and weekends free. The small downside is that I will have to wake up around 5 am 5 days a week, but that is indeed a small price to pay.

Moving on...

Why soccer...ahem FOOTBALL is cool.



Why soccer sucks



I tried to give soccer the benefit of the doubt. I went with Elisabet to a friends house to watch my first full soccer match. It was Sweden vs. Portugal and I really wanted to like it. Two things cemented my hatred for the sport.
1. The typical American reasoning that it was a 0-0 game which is about as entertaining to watch as paint dry.
2. Every player had perfectly styled hair.

Sports and dirtiness go hand in hand. I dont want to watch a bunch of male models running around acting like horse weeners. I mean you have a sport that seems to embrace the idea of rewarding the players who act like the biggests nancie boys. You dont see that sort of display in American Football as the player would get laughed out of the stadium for being a poof.

In short, soccer is a sport that embraces flopping and diving, that uses more styling gel then the cast of Grease, and has no real competative spirit as seen in the lack of overtime in a 0-0 game.

While I do understand the last part as playing a soccer match until a point is scored would make even the most die hard fan look at his watch and wonder if they dont have something better to do.

Oh, I must say I actually liked watching they guys we were with playing FIFA 08 as there isnt a button to take a dive and they actually scored some goals.

Free at last, Free at last...

I couldnt sleep last night. I tossed and turned thinking of the world I would wake up to the next morning. I must say that I let out the most gratifying sigh of relief when I was woken up at 6AM to confirm that the United States was indeed able to take a step towards becoming, once again, the country it once was.

This is the first time in my memory that I do not feel a certain amount of shame in calling myself an American.

I am proud to say "YES WE CAN!"











Yeah I cried a bit, wanna fight about it?

Swedish Dance Lessons

watch this and learn for the swedes can teach the world a thing or two about dancing.

if that isnt enough dance lessons for you check this oldie out. if i found a magic lamp and the genie gave me three wishes, well one of those wishes would be to dance like this.

The Good, the Babylon AD, and the Ugly

Elisabet and I have seen a number of films in the last 2 months, in addition to the movies I watch while she is at school. I thought it might be helpful for me to give a quick review of the films I remember so you know which to watch and which to avoid like the Clap.

Babylon AD- Crap. Disjointed, tedious, haphazard and unentertaining. It felt like there was once a good movie that got destroyed in post-production.

Tropic Thunder- This movie was exactly like I expected. I no longer ride the ben stiller train, and have no plans to reboard anytime soon, but Jack Black and Downey Jr made up for stillers role with gusto. Bonus- Really gory.

Wall-E- Fantastic movie. Added to my list of Pixar greats, right next to the Incredibles. The first Pixar love story and they do so without straying to far into "cheese" territory.

The Signal- If you like "zombie," suspense, and independent films you should check this gem out. 3 parts by 3 directors, one of said parts is from the POV of one of the "infected" and I have never seen anything like it. Kudos for doing something new to the genre.

Incredible Hulk- Crap. I said from the first trailer this movie looked like shit and when I heard from so many people that it rocked I was confused. I love Ed Norton, but after finally watching it I have to say I was right. This movie sucked. Then again, I am one of the 3 or so people on earth who like Ang Lee's version so....

Hancock- Better then I thought. Still wasnt amazing, but worth seeing once I suppose. I called the "twist" in the first 20 minutes, but Mr. Smith shits gold so who am I to miss one of his films, even crappy ones? I am Legend what?

Iron Man- Awesomeness burrito wrapped in a awesome tortilla drenched in awesome sauce.

The Happening- Can I please have the 2 hours of my life back? God what a waste of time. There arent many movie I advise people to avoid, but this is one of them. DO NOT WATCH.

Death Race- Worth a watch. Strictly entertaining, with no real substance to speak of. But definitely entertaining.

Righteous Kill- :( I wanted it to be good, I mean DeNiro + Pacino = Unicorns and Rainbows, but this was...not good. Again, I called the "twist" early on and both of them just seemed on autopilot. Just go watch heat

The Bank Job- Meh, just meh.

Wanted- Entertaining to a T. Worth it just to hear Morgan Freeman curse like a sailor.

X-files-Dear god this movie was terrible. Add to that I paid nearly 20 dollars to see it and you begin to feel the resentment I feel towards this....movie. No climax at all and no real villian to speak of.

So there you have it. A taste of my taste.

Interviews and ID Cards

Last week I sat down and fired off about 15 resumes for chef job openings and on tuesday I heard back from one of them, KultureKrogen in Lund. I talked with the owner who invited me to come by for an interview in the morning on wednesday. Well I got there and after a short interview and coffee with him and the head chef I worked until mid-afternoon just observing the mechanics of a Swedish kitchen. After only 30 minutes the head chef gave me a giant bucket of chickpeas to make any salad of my choosing. I only had a little over an hour so i busted out a ceaser dressing, diced up some red pepper and threw in some fresh arugula. I mixed all of that together with the peas and then threw some baby tomatoes on top. It turned out pretty tasty and got served with the other salads. I was also informed by the other chefs that a "celebrity" would be coming in for lunch. For the life of me I cannot remember her name, but she could be the next prime minister of Sweden.

Anyways, I heard she ate my salad.

Before I left I was asked to make a quick green pepper sauce so I did that quickly then left after talking quickly with the head chef about his duties and responsibilities. I am not holding my breath about getting a head chef position so soon in my chefing career, but given the oppurtunity I think I could do a great job.

On friday I went to Malmo for an interview at La Casita which seemed to go alright. I was told I would get a call this week about coming in to work for a day, so we'll see if that happens.

All in all it was just a huge relief to see that it wasnt quite as impossible as everyone made it out to be to find work. Though if I dont get a job soon I think I am going to have to whore myself out to women in Landskrona and the surrounding municipalities.

After waiting for 4 weeks and after going to EVERY BANK in town I finally got my official Swedish ID Card. Just one step closer to being a real swede. I also like that when people ask for ID from me they do so with a certain amount of disbelief as I am NOT SWEDISH. Then I whip out my ID Card and BLAM they realize that I am not just another tourist or foreigner.

I am an OFFICIAL foreigner.

Swedish television sucks

Swedish television is terrible, just terrible.

Granted, we only have 15 channels, only a handful of which have english programming, but what those few channels have disgusts me. If you live in the States you know you can turn on the TV at any time of the day and find Law and Order on some channel. Well in Sweden I turn on the TV and find a modeling, design, singing, or dancing show. There is this cultural obsession with these types of programs and it kills me inside. It doesnt help that Elisabet just eats this shit up, but I have found the answer.

I have begun....aquiring....all of the tv shows I have always wanted to see, but either havent had time or the channels to do so.

Oz- The entire show takes place in prison and is fucking brutal in its portrayal of what prison is like. I just finished the show today and it lived up to all the hype. I highly recommend this show, though the ending left me wanting. It seems as though JJ Abrams chose the cast of all of his shows from the cast of this show. Good choice Mr. Abrams.

Burn Notice- Bruce Campbell is in it, why more do you need to know? Its about a spy who gets fired and tries to figure out why, while helping people along the way. The show can be a little too episodic at times and neglectful of the overarcing story line, but the main character just carries the show. Oh and Bruce Campbell is in it.

Fringe- It is a new show, but it has piqued my interest. It is somewhat like the x-files but dealing with science instead of aliens. Time will tell if the show stays the course and if Joshua Jackson con avoid being a tool.

Always Sunny in Philidelphia- Funniest show on television, hands down. If you havent seen it watch "Sweet D dates a retarded guy." You'll thank me.

Oh, and I also have Weeds and The Wire to watch, but havent had the time yet.

City Gross is the 7th circle of hell

I typically love to go grocery shopping, especially in foreign countries. I love trying to find replacements for food you want but cannot find and I love trying new things whose labels I cannot read, but whose images look tantalizingly tasty. Well it started out this way here, but has quickly changed from a "fun" time to "stab myself in the face with a frozen sausage" time. Allow me to explain....

I came to sweden under the auspices that Swedes, while reserved, were a generally kind and generous people (free healthcare? year of maternity leave?) who would bend over backwards to be sure they didnt offend or trouble you in any way. Obviously this is a slightly exaggerated generalization, but you get the idea. I was wrong.

I have met many swedes who are kind and generous, yes, but I assume that just like every other swede, the second they grab their cart and pass through the little gates into the bowels of the grocery edifice they...change. They become the meanest, most self centered and single minded creatures this world has ever known. Example...

I was browsing through the meat section, looking at, but not really SEEING the meat for sale. Really I was just perusing until I came to the one and only meat I could identify in any language, ground beef. I finally reach the ground beef, but as I do I sense a disturbance. I look to my right and out from this little door comes a woman dragging a large speedrack filled with meat to stock. Instantly she is SURROUNDED by every swede in a 10 meter radius. Seconds before there had been noone in the meat area and now I had to struggle to free myself from their meat-groping arms. I finally got out of the melee, stood back and watched the chaos. As soon as they swooped in they all flew away and left the meat cart in shambled. The silence was broken by the sound of one package of ground beef falling from the cart onto the floor with a satisfying splat. I bent to pick it up for the meat-lady who had stood back just like me to watch the chaos. As I placed the meat back on the cart she began explaining to me how to pick the best ground beef in English.

I hadnt said a word so I am led to believe that my non-participation in the meat brawl was a sound indication of my lack of Swedish blood.

They only other thing that brings this part of the Swedish subconscious to life is driving. Swedes drive cars like they drive their grocery carts. They pause for nothing and will NEVER let you cross their path. They would sooner tag you with their cart then run the risk of letting you get to that freshly packaged ground beef first....

Oh, and City Gross is the name of one of the MANY Swedish supermarkets. There is also ICA, Netto, Lidl, and many others. I find that City Gross' prices represent the median in groceries. If you pay more you are shopping at Kvantum and are a fool. If you pay less you are shopping at Lidl and buying the products noone else could sell.

Living with Her

Any misgivings I may have felt in regards to moving to Sweden and living with Elisabet have gone the way of the dodo. The only thing I dont like is the lack of meat I have been consuming, but that is a small price to pay I think. Anyways, going through the meat area at the grocery store is an exercise in futility. The problem arises in that they have names for their meat that dont exactly translate into English. Add to that the fact that ALL OF THE MEAT LOOKS THE SAME, and you might begin to understand my confusion.

I typically just stick with meatballs when I need my fix.

Thankfully me and she have the same general taste in decorating the apartment so there havent been any major bumps there. I can see where this could have caused some serious turmoil so I am quite glad for it.

Its been a long time since I rock and rolled...

I know I know, its been a long time. A very long time since I last updated. Well as the saying goes, better late then never right?

To say a lot has happened since my last post would be a SEVERE understatement so instead of going back and trying to remember every little detail I am going to skip ahead to the present, but there will be flashbacks....oh yes, FLASHBACKS GALORE.

Lets start with the basics.
-I have been here since August 4th. Since then we have moved into our apartment in Landskrona, Elisabet has started school, and I have learned how to say "damn" in swedish.
-I am currently looking for work as either a chef or english teaching aid until I start school next year.
-I have gotten a 450 kr parking ticket for no reason at all
-I have gone from loving Ikea to hating Ikea to loathing Ikea to liking Ikea
-I have found that if a Swedish food item says it is "American" or "Mexican" it is most likely not
-"All" swedes speak amazing English, but they "all" think they are terrible.

I could go on and on but I am attempting to keep my ruminations on Sweden to a minimum.

Going crazy, please help

Here is the photo I have been trying to figure out the photographer for and it is driving me crazy, please help!

I am fairly certain the bassist is George Morrow, but not completely sure.

The joys of the gainfully employed

After not earning any money for nearly 2 months I am finally employed. I got hired as the prep cook for The Soup Shop, a specialty soup joint located right next to campus. The hours and pay are fairly lackluster, but I am earning money and that is all that matters at this point. I am definitely going to actively search for another part time job as well, but atleast I will be earning enough to break even. Still though, I have a transoceanic move coming up in a couple of months and desperately need to save some money for that and all of the unforeseen costs I am sure will appear at the last minute. In addition to that, there are no guarantees that I will have found a job in Sweden before I leave and so I think it is surely a sound idea to have some savings to lean on while searching. I am seriously considering an active search for online work as I can do it anywhere in the world. Unfortunately, from what I have found the pay for internet based jobs is not all that great.

It is times like these that make me rue the day I decided to get a photography degree. It simply is not marketable.

I am currently watching the History Channel as I type this out and something occurred to me. Why is it deemed necessary for translations to be made in the accent of the person being translated? There was a man speaking in German and the translator put on a terribly fake German accent as he spoke. It just seems silly that they do that.

I dont think I have anything left to say. Well other then its bullshit Hillary won Ohio and Texas. Utter bullshit. God I cant wait to get the hell out of this ridiculous country. HOW COULD YOU PEOPLE BE SWAYED BY A FEAR MONGERING SUCCUBUS?!?!?! Please just open your eyes and ears. She is a spiteful, evil, manipulative woman who desires power, not to help the people of this country. Youtube "Hillary Clinton corruption" and you will get a taste of what I am talking about.

Idle hands are the devils tools

Today was the turning point between me just being bored and wanted to shoot myself in the head just for something to do. I need a job less for the money and more to keep myself busy. I hate being bored and often resort to watching law and order and drinking a lot of tea. This can be entertaining, but after nearly 3 weeks of sitting on my ass I need SOMETHING. Since I have been working so hard on the job search and have a number of resumes pending I decided today would be the day that I would find a hobby. I have a desire to make something, but everything I think of I find a reason why not to do it. I am tired of sitting in front of the computer so that disposes of many hobbies. Also, hobbies typically take a fair amount of money, especially when just starting out, and that is something I dont have right now. So I went through the litany of ideas, photography, painting, drawing, building, constructing, and none of them struck my fancy. Well I did drag out my drawing board and tried drawing Elisabet which failed somewhat miserably. It also is a pain not having anyone to do anything with. Nicole and Ev have school and then homework at night and Kev and Pat simply drink all the time which I am not too keen on.

I want to build a deck or a birdhouse or something. I wish I had my tools. I am not here fishing for idea, I am just venting about my frustration in not finding anything to do. I just want something to show for my time sitting around. Maybe I will learn to crochet. I JUST WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE!!!!! It is the only thing that will keep my mind off Elisabet.

At the very least Lost is on tonight.

And the Kaviar River runs dry.

I knew it was inevitable, but that doesn't damper the pain from finishing my first, last and only bottle of Kalles Kaviar. For those of you who don't know officially Kaviar "is a smoothish paste made with slightly smoked cod roe, rapeseed oil, salt and other spices and preservatives." Unofficially it is the nectar of the gods and is squeezed from the teat of Neptune, God of the Sea. It sounds somewhat revolting, but trust me when I say that it is tasty beyond comprehension. I am fairly certain that Elisabet purposefully addicted me to it to that I will always be reliant on her for my fix. I hope to break that reliance by finding some Kaviar for sale here in the states, but the chances are slim. Oh and Kalles is solely to thank for my newfound love for fresh tomatoes. There is nothing quite like a piece of toast with Kaviar, fresh sliced tomatoes, and thinly sliced swiss cheese. I have to stop talking about this now or I am going to eat my laptop.

I applied for a job at a specialty soup shop today and hope to hear back by tomorrow if I am hired. I am fairly certain that I am awesome enough to work there, however I may have shot myself in the foot by stating my distaste for working friday and saturday nights. I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Anyways, the pay isnt great but there are tips and the chance to pick up more hours, plus I am going to go crazy without something to do with my time other then thinking about Elisabet.

Nothing makes me want to own my own business more then applying for jobs. I cannot help but feel like a bum and a con man trying to get people to hire me. I wish I had job experience in areas that actually interest me, like teaching.

Skype, a blessing and a curse

The first thing I would recommend to any couple living far far far apart from each other is to invest in Skype. Be warned though, I do not make this recommendation lightly. If there was ANY OTHER WAY for us to talk I would take it, but unfortunately American Cellular companies head offices can be located on the sixth and seventh circles of hell so they aren't much help.

For those four or five people on earth who do not know what Skype is then let me give you the low down. Skype is an internet phone service that is cheap. Thats it. You can call anywhere for next to nothing, all you need is a computer, the internet, and a headset. Sounds great huh? It is, until you realize that you are saying "what did you say?" every 10 seconds and that your voice will be dropped for 10 seconds for no apparent reason. It doesnt seem like a big deal at first, especially taking into account how cheap and easy it is, but trust me, you slowly begin to rue the day skype was first brought into this world.

confirmation of certified mail delivery

Well I sent out my nearly one pound novel of an application on Friday and received confirmation yesterday (Monday) that it had been received by someone with illegible handwriting. Hopefully they work at the embassy and arent just some hobo standing outside who told the mailman that he was the Swedish Ambassador. I should have wrote "No food or money inside" on the packet just for such a situation. God I hope that doesn't bite me in the ass.

Well assuming that it actually was received by the Consulate General of Sweden in New York then from what I have gathered I have around a month to sit on my butt and wait to hear about my inevitable interview. Here you are lucky enough to learn a little something about me, I hate tests. The only thing I hate more then tests? ORAL TESTS. So here I am, a month away from taking one of the most important "oral tests" of my life and I am already terrified. It doesn't help when I have some people telling me the interview is a piece of cake and others saying that I need to know the name of her dads first pet. I don't even know the name of one of my parents pets, let along their first.

It really is not big deal though, I mean why should I be worried? It isn't like this interview is going to decide the future of Elisabet and I....

the contents

I spent a lot of time compiling information for use in my application. I wanted to be damn sure that I wouldn't have to search for something at the last minute or ask for Elisabet to mail me some crucial document. The only items I got her to send me that weren't specifically requested by the embassy were a letter of recommendation from both her and her parents as well as our skype history. I had heard on Amerikanska that both could help in the application process so who am I to argue? Other then that the only other things I included were copies of photographs, emails, and letters. There were also a couple of ticket stubs and receipts from our time with each other that I figured could hurt either.

On second though, maybe I should wait and talk about what I included with my application until I hear back from the embassy. I may have put all of the wrong items in with the application so lets wait and see if they request more information or send back my application with the word DENIED stamped across the front in large block letters.

the obligitory introduction

Me and Elisabet first met through the amazing website "couchsurfing.com" (whose praises I will sing at a later date) and I just recently returned from a trip to see her in Sweden. I like my privacy so excuse me if I sound vague but we realized just how much we love each other and here I am, stuck in America, away from her, and keeping myself busy working on my Swedish Residency Visa Application and attempting to find a job. I am hoping to move out to Sweden and in with Elisabet by the middle of August so between now and then I am just trying to earn money and keep myself sane. All of which is proving difficult as jobs are scarce and my sanity is kept in check by Elisabet who is currently 7/16ths of the way around the world.

I am hoping this will serve as a chronicle of my adventures in moving (legally) to Sweden and might be able to help some other poor American who has fallen for a Swedish temptress and her Nordic wiles. This blog also acts as a tool to aid in my failing battle to keep my sanity by keeping me busy.